If you’re exchanging endless emails that never lead to dates, we’ll explain how to break the cycle (Sponsored by Match)
You save him as a “favorite,” and he sends you a wink. After that, a string of emails follow, each more enticing and engaging than the next. But while the growing number of emails, texts, and flirty DMs whet your appetite for a face-to-face date, the object of your growing affection seems content with your ever-blossoming virtual relationship.
“It’s really weird,” says Dan N., a 29-year-old comedian from Manhattan. “The thing is, I would imagine that if the person responded to you, there would be some sort of interest in getting together. But it doesn’t happen every time. I’ll be emailing back and forth with a girl and I’ll ask, ‘Hey, do you want to get together for coffee or a drink?’ But then you don’t hear anything for a while. Or suddenly, she’s really busy this week and next week, but maybe she can do it in two weeks. It’s like the other person keeps pushing it forward and pushing it forward, but it never actually happens.”
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Suzanne Schlosberg, author of The Curse of the Singles Table, says this kind of online foot-dragging behavior drove her crazy back in her dating days. (She’s now married to someone she met on Match a few years ago)
“I found that endless emailing was ridiculous, because there’s no way you can predict chemistry in person based on your shared chemistry online,” Schlosberg says. “One person’s voice could annoy you or a guy may remind you of a horrible ex-boyfriend in person. I had a lengthy email affair with this one guy and we went back and forth for a month, emailing daily. I was convinced he was Mr. Right, but when we finally met in person, it was not a match. But the chemistry was uncannily amazing online.”
Damien P., a 44-year-old marketing representative from New York, says he thinks both the sheer number of people using online dating sites – plus all the bells and whistles now available – contribute to delays when it comes to meeting people face-to-face. “I think many people just become content with endlessly surfing and comparing people,” he says. “And all the chat tools and games and questions for determining compatibility are all very interesting, but also make it more likely that people will be content to do just that – to keep things online.”
Schlosberg says many people put off the inevitable first meeting because the idea of dating a virtual stranger is just too daunting for them.
“It’s nerve-wracking and it takes practice,” she explains. “But it’s not going to get any less stressful just because you’ve emailed or texted back and forth 50 times.”
Why delay meeting someone in person?
Dan N. says that he sometimes wonders if the women he “meets” online aren’t looking for relationships so much as something to keep them from nodding off at work. “I suspect that some of these people are in boring office jobs, just sitting at a desk with nothing better to do,” he says. “They just want pen pals, so they get into email exchanges with guys. Or maybe it’s just that they’re getting hundreds and hundreds of responses and they can’t keep up. That could be a factor. Of course, another possibility is that I’m just really boring.”
Los Angeles psychotherapist Nancy Irwin thinks that if people are toying with potential dates just to kill some time, the reasoning behind it probably goes deeper than that. “These women may have anger toward men and are getting back at them by stringing them along,” she says.
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